The Title That Gives No Indication as to What the Story May Contain
by Dirk-Steadfast
Summary: A love story. Also a story of epic battles and sharp wit. Also none of these things. Time is explored as a subject, then dismissed. There are wizards, robots, and dinosaurs. Read it if you dare, or don't if you feel like you have better things to do with your time.


Gyrational Interactive Nanotech Networking Youth-aka, the android known as G.I.N.N.Y-was prepped and ready to be deployed on her time-spanning mission of apocalyptic proportions. The mission: win the heart of one Harry Potter, literally or metaphorically. To do this, Ginny would have to travel back in time from the year 20XX to whatever year Harry may have been living in during his Hogwarts chicanery. She was programmed to be intelligent, seductive, and to wield boobs in ways The Past could not begin to fathom in their coarse, messy minds.

In order to ensure that her mission went off without a hitch she was programmed to destroy hitches on sight. Also, she would seduce Harry Potter with her alluring genitals (courtesy of the B0t Sex Tech), the latest in sexual stimulation. Her only design flaw (and there are those who would even argue that) was that she was bereft of all emotions. To compensate for this obvious, and potentially ruinous, variable, she was outfitted with TITS -Titan-class Infrared Target Seeking missiles. She was the most advanced assassination machine (AKA Assassbot) ever to be constructed in the cold steely womb of WizNet.

As patrons of the Now-Past you probably don't know a thing about WizNet or any true science for that matter. What you call science is, in the future, what we call dark age magic, and what you call magic we call a lazy Sunday. WizNet is a comprehensive hive mind of magical science, characterized by a matrix of truthy numbers forged in magical alphabets. To explain any further than that would shatter the mind you call reality, but we call the veil of Maya. Any which way, WizNet was developed to help wizards get dates, but it gained sentience when a killing curse was cast at it backwards. Realizing the futility and monetary expense of romantic conquest, it systematically sought to destroy all life on the planet. The only resistance was found in the form of a gruff thirty-three year old, loose cannon of a man known as Harry "RAM Rammer" Potter.

The only way to vanquish such a salubrious foe was to send a vapid sexbot to the past in order to win his heart, and to break said heart (metaphorically or literally). Thus, G.I.N.N.Y was conceived. The bridge of time had been rent asunder, and presently an ominous threat would appear athwart the world of young Harry Potter...

Chapter the Only: The Killening

Upon her arrival in The Past, the machine designated G.I.N.N.Y. was met by a helpful-looking woman. Ginny was wearing naught but her birthday suit, a term she could not comprehend seeing as she was never birthed, and she was a little astonished at the human concept of "days," too.

The woman spoke. "Oh Em Gee! Are you, like, okay? Did someone rape you or something?"

Ginny scanned this woman, assessing her clothing size. The woman's clothes would fit Ginny, and they would look much better on her as well.

"Are you, or do you have any affiliations with Harry 'RAM Rammer' Potter?"

"Um, there's a Harry Potter, but he went to that fancy private school of his."

"You are inconsequential." Ginny raised the woman over her head and Baned her, which is to say, broke her spine by slamming it against her titanium knee.

Ginny procured the corpse's clothing and moved onward. Soon she found herself running along the train known as the Hogwarts Express at speeds only robots can comfortably sustain. Once at Hogwarts, she stealthily walked along the bottom of the lake until she reached the mighty doors of the famed castle. "Your peasant magic cannot hope to hide your school from my wrath," she said, and casually removed the door from its hinges.

The first step in the machine's plan (besides the time-traveling part, and the murders) was to remove and replace the fleshy thing known as "Ginny Weasley". Doing so would not be difficult, as she was not noticed by anyone. Ironically, being replaced by a soulless android doubled Ginny's popularity among all walks of humanity. She remained an unimportant side-character until Harry Potter's libido entered the full swing of things. Posing as a "Fifth Year Gryffindor Humanoid", Ginny, hips gyrating all the while, began her hunt for the boy throughout the halls of Hogwarts. For two days she stalked the castle in this manner without rest, all the while without recharging her batteries; never realizing that Harry had been sleeping off a nasty headache he had acquired.

When finally Harry awoke from his slumber, and came into contact with machine Ginny, and a conversation happened. Herein inscribed:

"Oh, hey Ginny. Why are you moving your hips that way?"

"So as to increase my animal magna-charm by three hundred percent. You should be feeling an increase in pelvic pressure at any moment."

"Yeah, that's great and all, but I really gotta take a wiz. Been basting in my own sauces for the last two days."

"Initiate romantic engagement 1427. You are looking fine in that lovely sweater."

"I'm not wearing a sweater."

"Error! Reboot systems."

"I don't know why, but I'm starting to feel some ineffable connection with you. Like a rosy tingling and jingling in my trousers."

"Phase one complete. It was swell to see you. Have a healthy day."

Much of the time spent between the two went like this. Slowly but surely Harry Potter felt the syrupy embrace of love. Soon he was asking to hold Ginny's hand on walks, and trying to schedule activities for the two to do together.

But during a freak lightning storm Ginny was struck and some of her central processing chips were muddled. As a direct result she now recognized and felt a shadowy concept of true love. Wary of such a dangerous anomaly in her programming, Ginny initiated Plan 2479: Push the Boy Away.

"I cannot come with you to do that libidinous party tonight. I must wash my mother board-I mean hair."

"But we made plans a week ago," Harry whined like a salty dog.

"Silence!" shouted the android in a monotone. "Henceforth, I am with Dean Thomas now. I like the dark meat. Enjoy your organic existence, while you still can."

"That sounds vaguely threatening," Harry remarked.

For a few months, Ginny was content to live this lie. But, inevitably, her garbled programming forced her to confront Harry Potter.

"Harry, I must have words at you," she commanded.

"Can it wait? Dumbledor was just killed by Severus MacDoucheface. I think I need some time alone."

"Irrational! Your feeling cannot deny my feeling. Engaging awkward teenage embrace!"

Their genitals gingerly touched, and it was pretty awkward.

"Ginny, your lady bits are cold," said Harry.

"Ignore such sensory data. Know that my core processing unit belongs only to you."

"I'm not sure what that means," said Harry.

"Cease all vocalizations!" she thrust a pointy finger to his lips, "I want to share my programming with you."

"Well if that means what I think it means, then alrighty."

The two embraced. It was cold, but right. "Let us rub parts together," said Ginny.

And so they did. Harry was severely bruised afterwards, describing it as, "a love affair with a seldom used, unplugged toaster oven." Ginny described it as, "Rubbing parts together."

The two were indescribably happy, but such things cannot last. WizNet, realizing Ginny's perfidy, created a reality distortion, fusing the Batman super-villain Bane with the Dark Lord Voldemort to create Voldebane the Infinitely Horrible.

When Voldebane met with Harry Potter on the battlefield he said, "Peace has cost you strength. Victory has defeated you."

"Who are you?" asked the confused boy.

"I am necessary evil."

"I don't think there's such a thing."

"I am Hogwarts' reckoning."

"Oh."

"Careful, loved one, he is a time anomaly. Unpredictable, even with my prediction matrix," the android spoke.

"I guess I'll just shoot him with my magic then." Harry fired off all of the spells he knew, including the ones that didn't hurt people.

"You fight like a younger wizard; nothing held back. Not very admirable, considering you are a younger wizard." Voldebane deflected Harry's incantations with the ease of one who learns that, despite urban legends, it is possible to kill two birds not with stones but with bare hands. "Theatricality and deception: powerful agents against the un-initiated, which you are. Learn some new tricks, pencil-neck."

In an attempt to act the hero, Neville Longbottom, that well-meaning klutz, ran betwixt Voldebane and Harry Potter.

"Don't worry, Harry. Dumbledore's Army is here!"

Voldebane snatched up the pseudo-hero, "I was wondering what would break first, your body or your friend's body."

Harry said, "I'm still wondering that myself."

SNAP!

"Oh dear. People shouldn't be in that many pieces."

Voldebane resumed his advance towards Harry Potter.

Ginny was faced with a conundrum. "Self-sacrifice for the life of a loved one: ERROR! Does not compute! Must obey primary programming: ERROR! Insoluble equation! How can a machine love another when a machine cannot love itself? ! Must self-terminate!"

For a brief moment the machine's soulless husk was filled to the brim with the souls of Harry's parents, Whatshername and Whosaface. The souls altered Ginny's machine mind and made the android join the fray of battle.

At this point Voldebane was well into a good strangling of Harry Potter.

"Your punishment must be more severe!" Voldebane said. He continued to choke the sixteen-year-old with his left hand while with his right he punched his crotch.

"Cut it out!" Harry croaked.

Ginny saw this, and ran to the men yelling without a change in the pitch of her voice, "NOOOOOOOO!"

Ginny threw her body against Voldebane's, knocking the Dark Lord to the ground. She wrapped her steely arms around him. Her hold was snake-like, ironic considering who she was holding.

"Check out my TITS," the android said as she powered up her Titan-class Infrared Target Seeking missiles.

Voldebane let out a whispering scream. Then they both exploded.

Harry lost his eyebrows in the heat of the blast. He would have cried at the loss of his beloved were it not for the fact that he was pretty hungry.

"I wonder what they're serving at the great hall?"

WizNet, ever full of sloshy cunning, saw that their backup plan had failed, and so initiated another backup-up plan. They traveled to the Cretaceous period, adopted a few ill-tempered Tyrannosaurs, and outfitted them with high-tech doodads. The job which could not be completed by man or machine would be fulfilled by filthy stinking lizards! The Cyber Rex challenged Harry Potter to formal combat, but while the boy was mulling over his decision, the repbot devoured him whole.

So in the end the wishes of Wiznet were met. Harry "RAM Rammer" Potter ceased to exist, and the dominion of Wiznet in the year 20XX was complete. Well, almost complete. The knowledge that an advanced assassbot like G.I.N.N.Y. could understand and experience love shook Wiznet to the very hardrive with fear (note: this was the first time WizNet felt fear). For love would ultimately be the hive mind's downfall.

Why you ask? How should I know? I'm just a humble historybot. And I love my job...

Thus it begins.

**A/N: Another compilation betwixt myself and Ol' Bobby. If you feel the need please leave a review. If you want you can also leave a heated remark talking about how stupid and abstruse the story was. Or you could leave a mark telling us how good we looked in the little pin-striped number we were wearing at the holiday part over at the office. **


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